Dad Brief: On Closeness

Our Kids Need to Know We'll Be There

How close is your relationship with your kids?

Good parents agonize over this from time to time. There are good days when communication is high, and you feel in sync. There are difficult days when you feel miles apart, sitting in the same room.

I have ADHD, so I’ve struggled with making strong bonds. Yet I’m happy with the tight circle of friends I have, and I love my sons more than life itself. I also love the young men they are becoming.

My wife is Brazilian and has three wonderful sons of her own. She is very close to her sons and remarkably consistent in her communication—she’s taught me a lot about how to make a relationship work. We’ve labeled our blended family “rice and beans,” an ode to household harmony despite our cultural and melanin disparities.

My firstborn is a senior at a high school located on the other side of our county. When I pick him up, we share a 40-minute drive back home. We have an understanding on this drive. He is exhausted from the day and wants to chill, and I want to hear how his day went. So he obliges me with a few highlights before we both fall silent.

Sometimes I feel like this silence is wasted time. Surely there is so much to say. So my mind races with clever questions to ask and profound ideas to share. On a recent trip home, I decided to break the silence and draw him into a deep conversation.

As I turned to look at him, I saw he was sleeping with his mouth open, and I realized it’s not always about filling up our shared space with words.

As long as we parents keep showing up, we’ll have all the closeness we need.