Cornell University. Ithaca, New York. Ivy League. World-renowned for its school of hospitality.
I’m familiar with the area, having lived along the adjacent lake for several years early in my newspaper career. The town has a slogan: “Ithaca is Gorges!” It’s a hilly landscape; walking Cornell’s campus is a decent cardio workout.
I had a FaceTime call with my older son last night. He’s a freshman in college on a very flat landscape in Florida. He’s adjusting well; he loves it. Says the classes are easy so far, even the ones in his chosen field of study, engineering.
Like everyone with a social media feed this week, he knew about the news coming out of Cornell. I asked whether his college had released any statements about it for the sake of their own campus; he said they hadn’t.
I knew I didn’t need to tell him what not to do. If there’s one thing I’ve done well as a dad, it’s teaching our kids about respect for others, especially the vulnerable. From the social contract Montessori school embedded in their minds as toddlers to me constantly throwing scenarios at them and arriving at the right answer together. Carla has also done superb with her boys, who are the strongest, kindest young men I know.
But it’s not enough to tell our kids what NOT to do. Respect is one thing. Stopping harm is a different discipline. It requires character and courage.
I reminded my son that we are the kind of people who would step in and stop the harm to that girl. I was proud of his response. “Fuck yeah,” he said, scoffing.
The red pill manosphere and the Epstein class in this country have a very fucked up idea about what relationships and power are all about.
But it’s not enough to know they’re there and label their brand of insecure cowardice as extremely dangerous.
We must stop the danger.
I’m proud of all the creators who have spoken up in outrage and created the pressure that reopened the sexual assault investigations into these dangerous men.
But we need more good men to stop bad men in their heinous actions.
And to do that, we need to raise more good men.
When I pull back from the horror of that situation, I see many larger circles of responsibility. The students perpetrating this heinous and cowardly crime (the parents who raised them, the school who sets the tone for acceptable behavior) then we get to our society at large. How do we raise kids with any sense of care, compassion, empathy? How do boys decide what kind of man they want to become with all the toxicity? Just today, more news of Catholic church crimes against children.
Our as-yet-to-be-tried offender-in-chief sets all the wrong examples. What is lost on many (I know, not you) is that for many women we have been immersed in a culture that shows and tells us this could easily be us. Any minute. Any day. It may have BEEN us. "Good men" we have known have done horrible things, never mind the bad ones. It is an extra burden that even as young girls we must police our own behavior as well as all the boys around us. All the time. All our lives. It's a wonder we can get out of bed, ever, when you think about it. There's not a woman I know who has been utterly free to simply live her life without this fear.
For everyone feeling gut-punched, there are things we can do. Teach very young children not only how to be kind, be brave, etc., but also empathy and compassion. How many of those men in that frat were bystanders?
1. Believe women.
2. Call out men.
3. Call your university and ask what they are doing to implement a safer policy and articulate zero tolerance for assault on your alma mater's campus.
4. Pull donations if schools refuse to do so.
5. Any Cornell alum should immediately pull donations and ask for the resignation of these men running the school.
6. In your churches or community groups, insist that young children learn about respect for each other. Start early.
7. Know that if you know women, you know someone who has faced some violence or trauma at the hands of a man.
8. Believe women and release the files. If we have any hope of creating a more safe and just society, it cannot happen with thugs at the top.
I have read with great interest and agreement two columns this week by Bess Kalb, who writes The Grudge Report on Substack. Her first delineates the difficulties of raising 'good men,' given all the outside influences the are subjected to when they leave home; the second calls for the dismantling of the frat culture. I've long thought that fraternities were hotbeds of bad influence on young men. They insulate the boys and there is no one to check their bad impulses. Fraternities grow criminals.