Ten years ago this Wednesday, America heard Donald Trump, then a candidate for President of the United States, brag about grabbing women. Then in a prime-time presidential debate, we heard him dismiss his comments as “locker room talk.”
Some men laughed. Some nodded. Some were disgusted. But far too many said nothing.
This week, I’d like to talk to all men.
What happened at Cornell
In October 2024, a 20-year-old Cornell student, identified in court papers only as Jane Doe, went to visit a friend at the Chi Phi fraternity house. What follows comes from her lawsuit, her sworn statements and records obtained by CBS News. Much of it is alleged, some of it is disputed, and no one has been charged with a crime.
That night: Doe, already intoxicated, alleges two fraternity members pressured her into taking what they said was ketamine, then sexually assaulted her.
1:42 a.m.: A member posts to the chapter’s Snapchat group, a chat with dozens of brothers in it, suggesting in crude language that a woman upstairs was available for sex. Later, someone asks: “Shop still open?” The answer comes back: “Yea.” (CBS News)
Through the night: Doe alleges more men came into the room and the assaults went on until 5:45 a.m.
At some point: In her 2024 sworn statement, Doe described two people walking into the room and saying they were “shutting it down.” The group of men scattered.
Two days later: One of the accused texted her an apology. He wrote that he and another man felt bad for being too intoxicated to “shut it down and kick people out before it got way out of hand.”
About three weeks later: Doe went to Cornell police. “I can say with 100% confidence I was raped,” she told them, according to a transcript CBS obtained.
November 2024: The Tompkins County district attorney declined to file charges. He says her sworn statement described the conduct as consensual. Her lawyer says she was traumatized, and that no one from the DA’s office ever interviewed her.
2025: Cornell’s Title IX panel expelled two of the men and suspended two for at least two semesters. One graduated before he could be sanctioned. Two were found not responsible. The chapter was closed.
September 2026: Doe sued Cornell, the fraternity and the seven men. The suit alleges some were allowed to mitigate their conduct by writing essays. Cornell denies that essays were anyone’s sole consequence.
Since then: The DA reopened the case. Cornell agreed to an outside review. And on Oct. 1, Gov. Kathy Hochul named Attorney General Letitia James special prosecutor.
If you or someone you love has been affected by sexual violence, RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline is free, confidential, and open 24/7: 800-656-HOPE (4673), or online at rainn.org.
Two people walked in
Here’s the detail almost nobody is talking about. Sometime that night, two people walked into that room and said, in effect, "We’re shutting this down." And the room emptied.
We don’t know who they were. We don’t know exactly when it happened. And it didn’t end the night: Doe’s statement describes more after they left, and the lawsuit says it went on until dawn.
But it tells us something that matters. One sentence broke up the crowd, according to Doe.
And the man who texted her two days later? He knew exactly what should have happened. He used the words himself: shut it down. He just knew it too late.
It’s on us
Every time a story like this breaks, someone says, "Imagine if it were your daughter." Your sister. Your wife.
I understand the instinct. But I’m done with it. A woman shouldn’t need to be personally connected to you to deserve not being raped. If our decency only switches on when we picture someone we’d defend, our view is too narrow, and likely so is our action.
So this isn’t a talk for parents to give their daughters about watching their drinks. It’s a talk for men, from men. Fathers to sons. Coaches to players. Friends to friends.
Here’s what we’re up against:
45.1% of American women have experienced contact sexual violence in their lifetime, and 21% have experienced a completed or attempted rape (CDC, December 2025).
The person who does it is usually someone the survivor knows (CDC).
About 1 in 4 undergraduate women reported nonconsensual sexual contact by force or while unable to consent (AAU campus survey, 2019).
Fewer than 1 in 4 rapes and sexual assaults were reported to police in 2024 (Bureau of Justice Statistics).
Of every 1,000 sexual assaults, RAINN estimates 25 perpetrators go to prison.
At Cornell, 1,216 reports of sexual misconduct from 2018 to 2024 produced 7 expulsions or dismissals (USA TODAY analysis of New York state data).
Nationally, students found responsible for sexual assault are expelled in, at most, 30% of cases (HuffPost analysis, 2014).
Those numbers aren’t made by strangers in alleys. They’re made by guys we know, in rooms full of guys we know, after conversations we were part of.
Now the good news. Research going back years shows men consistently overestimate how comfortable other men are with sexist talk (Kilmartin et al., 2008). Most of the guys in that chat are more uncomfortable than they think everybody else is. When you speak up, you’re usually not the lone voice. You’re just the first one.
And it works. In a five-year study of 26 Kentucky high schools, the Green Dot bystander program cut sexual violence perpetration by 17% to 21%. Coaching Boys Into Men, where coaches talk to their athletes for a few minutes each week, made players more likely to step in. When men talk to boys, boys listen.
What we tell our sons
Be the first to reply. “No, stop this.” Three words in a group chat. Make it easy for the second guy to say it, because you went first.
Shut down the joke, and you never have to shut down the room. The talk is the earliest exit. Take it.
Finish the interruption. Breaking up the crowd is a start, not the job. Get her out. Get her to people she trusts. Call for help. Stay on task.
Stay sober enough to be useful. The man in that text knew what to do. He was too far gone to do it.
Loyalty to the guy who did it betrays everyone else. Don’t cover. Report it.
Dads, model it. Your son learns more from what you laugh at during the cookout than from any talk you give him.
It’s never just locker room talk. Culture gets built one conversation at a time: the joke we let slide, the chat we don’t leave or correct midstream, the “Yea.” We don’t need to stop talking. We just need to have better conversations.
This week’s ask: Have one. Pick a young man in your life (a son, a nephew, a player, the new guy at work) and tell him what “shutting it down” sounds like. Then forward this to one man you know who’d be good at it.
The Bookshelf
The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help
by Jackson Katz
Katz has spent decades working with athletes, coaches, fraternity men and the military. He co-founded Mentors in Violence Prevention, one of the first programs to train men as active bystanders.
His core argument is the one I made above, expanded into a whole book. Violence against women isn’t a “women’s issue” that men occasionally help with. It’s a men’s issue, and the guys who would never do it have the most power to stop the ones who would.
It’s direct and practical, and it doesn’t let any of us off the hook.
Also for dads: Peggy Orenstein’s Boys & Sex is a frank look at what young men are actually learning about sex and consent, and from whom. Spoiler: mostly not from us.
The Recipe
Adobo Chicken Noodle Soup
Warm, delicious comfort for the start of soup season, with just a hint of spicy heat. I had an idea that adobo seasoning would be a fun addition to chicken soup, so I wrangled up the ingredients and chose both chicken breast and thighs for the meat. Since this recipe doesn’t use skin or bones to add depth of flavor, I recommend using the highest quality chicken broth or stock you can find (or make!).
I shot the video for this recipe today. Will post it soon!
Ingredients
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium onion, diced or slivered
1 large carrot, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 leek, halved, rinsed, and sliced
5 garlic cloves. chopped
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
2 boneless, skinless chicken thighs
2 tablespoons Adobo spice mix
3 liters chicken stock or broth
1 13-oz package of pasta noodles
3 sprigs thyme
2 bay leaves
4 tablespoons chopped Parsley
Salt and pepper to taste
Directions
Coat all chicken pieces in the Adobo spice mix.
In a large frying/sauté pan over medium-high heat, add 1 tbsp olive oil. When the oil shimmers, lay down all chicken pieces and sear for 2 minutes per side.
Turn off heat and transfer chicken to a large stock pot. Fill the pot with chicken stock and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. After boiling for 5 minutes, turn off the heat.
Place the pan you used to sear the chicken over medium heat and add 1 tbsp olive oil. Add all onion, carrot, leek, and celery pieces to the ban sweat down the vegetables for 3-4 minutes, gently scraping up the chicken & spice flavor from the bottom of the pan.
Add the garlic and continue to sweat for another 2-3 minutes. Remove from heat and set aside.
From the stock pot, take out all chicken pieces and cut/tear them into bite-size pieces. Return all pieces to the stock pot.
Carefully transfer vegetables to the stock pot. Add pasta noodles, thyme, bay leaves, and salt and pepper to taste.
Simmer on low for one hour, or until pasta is tender.
Taste and adjust seasoning as desired. Finish with parsley. Enjoy!
One for the Road
My son was determined to climb the stairs, so I wrote him a step-by-step guide.
Sources
CBS News: Details emerge in case of former Cornell student alleging gang rape by fraternity members (timeline, sworn statement, Snapchat messages, texts, sanctions, special prosecutor)
USA TODAY via Yahoo: Cornell rarely expels students in sex assault cases
HuffPost: Fewer than one-third of campus sexual assault cases result in expulsion (2014)
Slade Wentworth | The Dad Briefs covers the civic, political, and quietly human stories that shape family life in America, with recipes along the way.