Keep Them at the Table

A Dad's Advice for the Newly Married

The message opened with, “I know I am just a stranger …”

It came from a couple who had just gotten married recently. Both of them had lost their fathers. One died ten years ago, the other three years back. Their mothers walked them down the aisle. They made sure their dads were in the room anyway. A locket pinned to a dress. And a pocket watch that had belonged to one of their fathers, the watch part taken out, a photo of the other’s dad set in its place.

They wanted to know if I’d share the kind of words a father gives a child on a wedding day. The ones their dads would have said. They signed off, “Thanks for being a good dad.”

I read it a few times.

I write about civics most days, with a recipe alongside—policy, power, who’s lying, and who’s paying for it. But the name on the masthead is The Dad Briefs, and every so often somebody takes that literally and asks me to be one. They didn’t want my take on anything. They wanted what they couldn’t get from the people who were supposed to give it, because those people are gone.

I won’t pretend the words I send can stand in for the ones they lost. But the ask itself was the highest honor a dad can get, and I wasn’t about to ignore it.

Here is most of what I wrote back:

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Hi,

I read your message a few times. Congratulations to you both. June 6th is yours now. (It’s also my youngest son’s birthday.)

I’m sorry your dads couldn’t be in the room with you. I don’t believe they missed it, though. Your moms walked you down the aisle, and your fathers came too, in the locket on the dress and in that pocket watch housing, a place where time used to tick, now stilled with a father’s memory. I’ve rarely heard of anything more beautiful.

Be proud. Just of who you are. Together.

A marriage isn’t built on one big “I do.” It gets built on a thousand small ones, on ordinary days when no one is watching and nothing feels particularly important. Keep choosing each other on those days most of all.

Be gentle with each other when things are hard. Be the first to apologize. Don’t keep score. Let the small stuff stay small.

You’ve had practice at loving each other through loss. Hold onto that. It’s a big deal.

Carry your dads forward now. You two are their keepers. Tell their stories, cook their food, laugh their laughs. Keep them at the table.

Welcome to married life. Your fathers would be proud of the people you’ve become.

For what it’s worth, so am I.

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The Dad Briefs covers the civic, political, and quietly human stories that shape family life in America — with recipes along the way. Food, Fun and Fatherly Wisdom. Recipes for Resistance.